Tuesday, June 19, 2012

When the going isn't so good...

**Started on Monday 18th June**

Friday was a good day, I mustn't forget that.  Me and the kidlets headed over to visit a fabulous friends that we hadn't seen for what seemed like eternity (in reality it was just over a month, but I missed them lots ok?)   I had wanted to bake a cake or two to take with us.  I searched the cupboards and the fridge to find all of the necessary ingredients, sorted out a cake tin and greased it, set the oven so it was pre-heating and...

the bloomin' scales wouldn't work.

Grrrr, how flamin' frustrating.

I stopped at a store on the way and bought the cakes instead.  Far more costly than home-made, but very tasty so I won't complain.

As always the hours passed too quickly as we nattered and supped tea.  It was actually a really useful 'playdate' for me as the said friends are also fast becoming my business partners.  Just how cool is that?! It sounds ever so grown up and big world like. Things are really starting to happen in that direction and I'm really excited at what we might be putting together.  I'm just hoping that others will see our vision and support us.

Moving on from the fab stuff to the not so good stuff...

I admit to struggling over the past few days.

I'm back to feeling tired, not eating as well as I should be, and really missing the running challenge.   It's clear to see that the running was benefiting me greatly.  Even my relationship with dh was seemingly better as we shared an interest and time together.  My appetite had increased, and my energy levels soared.  I'm afraid that my get up and go has truly got up and gone and I'm back to square one again.  My ankle is just not behaving itself.  It's swollen, very sore, and extremely painful to the touch.  At the end of the day or after being on my feet for some time, it literally throbs.  Ouchie hurty, I don't likey.  I think the time has come to seek a medical opinion as it's been over 3 weeks now - I'm just one of those annoying people who don't like wasting people's time.

Taisia has been a bit of a grumpy poo poo.  Actually scrub that.  Taisia has been one almighty grumpy poo poo.   I think she is teething.   I know I should be all sympathetic - and honest, I am being as sympathetic and patient as I can be - but really, 3 days of tantrums, tears and frustrations, coupled with disrupted sleep at night due to the same tears and frustrations, and well, I've discovered I'm not a saint after all.

This weekend we just stayed at home.   The weather was awful - again - with heavy rain for much of the time.  Much of Sunday was better, but I just felt tired and lethargic.  I really didn't feel like doing anything that needed physical energy, so I stayed at home and worked on the new website instead.   The big foo-pah of the weekend was forgetting Father's Day.  Oh dear, not a good mama and daughter moment.  My dear daddy lives in Spain so I called and apologised for being my usual disorganised self.  I felt bad but my daddy loves me and I was forgiven without a second thought.  My dad doesn't go in for all the commercialised nonsense anyway.

The rest of the day was spent trying to calm toddler tantrums.  Boy oh boy they have arrived with a vengeance!   Taisia screams, shouts, stamps her feet, throws herself on the floor, bangs her head on the sofa, and bashes her fists on the table.  She acts first, screams loud, and thinks about her own pain from her actions later.  Dear mite.  If not having a full-blown red in the face tantrum, then we have been having tears.  Lots of them.  Lots of tears with lots of sobbing noises.  LOUD sobbing noises.  Sobbing noises that give me a headache.  And they are continuous, as is her frustrating behaviour.

"Up, Up, Up" said with arms outstretched,  (mama picks her up) = screams to be put down.

Cries that she has been put down.

"Up, Up, Up!!!" (mama picks her up) = screaming "Get Down" as almost leaping from my arms.

Mama says "No sweetheart, please don't mess with the (too expensive for us to replace or repair right now) printer whilst daddy is trying to use it, come and play with...." = child throwing herself on the floor whilst viciously kicking out and growling at anything and anyone that dares to interfere.

It is VERY unlike her.  Those that know us 'in real' will know just how easy going and happy go lucky she usually is.  But such expression of despair from the little lady has been shown over and over and over again these past couple of days.

I know it's through her frustration.  The world is such an interesting and intriguing place, and there is so much fun to be had with things that little fingers shouldn't touch.  There is clearly no room for mama intervention.  

Sigh a big long huffy puffy when will it end sigh.

**Continued on Tuesday**

I know that children don't act this way to annoy us.  I know that they don't want to cause us pain or upset.  I know that they don't want a full blown battle with us.

I am also well aware that there is a reason for such incidences - be it the prime suspect - teething, or feeling a lack of attention and love, or needing to take things a little slower and rest, etc etc.  And know never to take it personally.

But I admit to taking more than a few deep breathing moments as I try not to lose it, my patience has been severely and traumatisingly tested.  I've just had to offer comfort.  It hasn't always been accepted, but when it has it's felt good.  I have just had to remind myself that my little girlie is still in there, she is just dealing with stuff right now.  I have just had to surround her with love (whilst counting to 100 in my head at times!)

On a good note (let's do the good stuff some more huh?  Good stuff is, erm, well good!)  Today has thus far seen a better tempered little girl.  Today we have had many giggles, smiles, funny facial expressions, and numerous aww tugs at the heart experiences.  Today I have felt more human after a more decent nights sleep, and life in my little bubble looks all sparkly once more.

Blissful.  It was touch and go for a moment there.

Yesterday was also home-ed group day which was fun, frolicky, and fabulous - ok so I got a bit silly there, but it was definitely fun and fabulous.  We went tenpin bowling at a local centre and apart from one or two (or three) technical issues with the lanes and equipment, we had a great time!  All of the children seemed to love their bowling time, and I really enjoyed the nattering time, although I did have to chase Taisia on more than one occasion - bowling lanes are such fun ya know!

This morning I've been thinking a lot about my new business partnership, where I'm hoping it will go and what I hope we can offer.  I have also been trying to change my mindset regarding money and, more to the point, me making some!

I'm clearly a generous soul.  I can't help it.  If I've got it, I will give it.  If I have knowledge, I will share.  If I have experience, I will pass it on.  If I can advise and help, I will.

I'm very proud of that.

I love that people turn to me for inspiration and help.  I love that people approach me with questions, and ask for support.  I don't want to change that for the world.

But...


This kindness is time consuming.  

This generosity is taking me and my time away from my family.

Being this sort of pleasant being doesn't get the bills paid each month.

This gal is drowning in financial troubles and needs to swim to the surface - or sink to the depths.

So, the way I see it.  I can either come up with some creative way of earning money from my passion - which in turn allows me to continue helping and supporting others on a larger scale and in an ever-growing and ever-changing way.  Or, I can turn my back on my passion, do something else to earn money, and step away from the whole scene due to new time constraints - which means that my support and inspiration for others is lost and my passion becomes hidden.

It's a no-brainer really isn't it?

I must learn and understand that money isn't a bad thing.  It won't make me a bad person.  To have more money means I can offer more.  The more money I have, the more the business can grow which in turn will mean that more support becomes available to those that need it.

I can do this.

Earning money from something I feel passionate about - helping others - will not change what's in my heart.

I will never be doing it 'just for the money' - earning money means I value myself.  It means I value my time given elsewhere - more often than not to complete strangers I am never ever going to have the joy to meet.  It means I value my family and their rights to have a mama either with them or earning for them.

I support others with their needs and (hopefully) others will see fit to support me with mine - just in a different way.

Hmm, that's better.  Head is a lot clearer after that soul searching think aloud.

Thank you for listening.

Today the sun is shining, the sky is blue, the birds are singing and all is well in the world.  I've got to go and spend a couple of hours cleaning and tidying.  My gang are just sorting themselves out with something for lunch, then I think I heard games were planned for the afternoon.  I don't know what else we shall get up to, hopefully we shall find time a family reading session as that hasn't happened for a while.  Of course, there is a certain England football game that we need to watch later this evening, but other than that, who knows what this terrific Tuesday has lurking around the corner for us - it just better be more goodness!

4 comments:

  1. Your honesty is really refreshing and it's reeeeaaally comforting to know that someone else has a little one who is testing the boundaries of everything, and that even lovely home ed mamas can have bad days and hard days and not reacting so fabulously days. We're only human :-) if you have the time, this blogpost by my friend Lucy http://www.dreamingaloud.net/2012/05/blessing-of-money.html is one of a series of REALLY fab posts on women's relationships and feelings about earning money and why we women often struggle with the whole issue of charging for our work. Her spiritual outlook earning is a really good way of looking at money. Reading it was a big aha! moment for me. Hope your ankle gets better soon x

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  2. Those toddler times can be tough, can't they? :) Good luck with your business plans, I'm sure you'll be a whizz at whatever you choose to do :)

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  3. hello lovely, just caught up with this post. Sorry that it's been a rough few days, I think the combo of feeling grotty, rubbish weather and teething toddler are pretty much a worst nightmare scenario and you've done mighty well to keep your sanity at all, let alone any patience.
    Good luck with the business venture, it sounds very interesting and you are so right - the money side of it is about showing yourself and the world that you have a value and it's about doing the best that you can for your family. If someone can up to you and tried to literally take a £10 note out of the hands of one of the children you wouldn't let them & you just have to think of working for someone without charging properly in the same way - it is just as much, taking money out of your children's hands. Go for it and good luck!

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  4. You are not the only one wondering about how to reconcile earning with doing what you feel passionate about. One thing I've learnt though is that having a very tight budget makes you more creative and innovative than you'd ever imagine. Balance is the key I think, as always. Love the musings. x

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