Just occasionally I just wish that I could make a plan that actually happened without stress or hindrance.
It is days like today when I get so mad with myself for not being able to just appreciate all my beautiful blessing and I wish I did not seek more. I know that there are many people out there struggling and suffering far more than we are, but I can't help myself yearning.
For 13 years (or thereabouts) I've dreamt of that certain way of life. I have dreamt of the day that I could open my front door and step bare foot outside and walk, and walk, and walk, without hearing the constant drone of main road traffic and more importantly, without having to ensure that my hand clasps tightly the hand of my youngest gift at all times when she just wants to run and be free. I want to be able to open the door of my home and let Kira (our Springer Spaniel) out for her walks without having to wrestle with her pulling hard on the lead first before we get somewhere safe for release. I yearn to sweat and toil as we plant and harvest our vegetables, I long to dig the precious earth, scrub potatoes born from our soil and muck out a pony or two. I want to release our chickens in the morning and collect their eggs with gratitude each day.
It sounds as if I am asking so much but in reality I am after so little. I lust after freedom for my children. I covet the day when they can just tell me they are off out to explore the fields and don't have to rely on me to take them by car. I want them to have the most amazing childhood that I can provide for them. I can't afford to buy them the latest gadgets or take them on the most amazing holidays - in fact I don't think we have been on a holiday for around 5 years. I can't always afford to buy them the clothes they hanker after, or to stock our kitchen cupboards with endless supplies of crisps, sweets, and biscuits. BUT, what I can provide is love - an endless stream of love - and a memory bank full of precious fun and wonderful childhood memories.
This dream of mine is no longer mine alone - it is shared by my husband and my children. With that knowledge I gain reassurance that it will happen.
What is frustrating me beyond belief right now though is that our car has decided it wants a share of the limelight. She has decided that she is in need of a bit of pampering herself and put on the brakes.
I'll let you in on a secret.
Today I admit that I have shed a tear or three in downright nasty frustration, a very very rare occurrence as I usually only share tears of joy.
We were seeing a vision in creation and we were allowing ourselves to feel as if we were reaching out towards our goal. We have finally got it into our heads that the dream doesn't have to remain that way, and that it can become a reality - but then the all too powerful reality steps in and slaps us down. Of course we won't be beaten, there is no way we will give up on our objective. But it is heart wrenching to think of those precious pennies that I managed to squirrel away through sheer determination are about leave us, and not for the purpose for which they were intended. It is such a small thing in the great scheme of things of course, but for me today it felt like a huge setback - but now I can see it as just a little blip occurring along the long journey.
**I will just add here that the lovely lady who made our first and only donation to the moving fund can rest assured that that money will be used for the purpose for which it was intended **
We have done so much to save money recently - budgeting for meals, cooking from scratch and baking for hours, no presents or celebratory meals out for Lee nor I on our birthdays or anniversary etc. Just today Lee and I took Taisia out in her large pram (so she can face us and chat on route), and walked from our home to Newton Abbot town centre - a 4 hour round trip! We walked to save the £8 bus fare it would have cost for the two of us, but boy oh boy, our legs were aching when we reached home. A quick cuppa and rest and it was time for me to crack on with dinner and dessert - home-made vegetable soup with home-made bread, followed by a choice of home-made jam tarts, chocolate cake, or melting moment cookies = 3 and a half hours in the kitchen! Considering how much I dislike my kitchen - very small, narrow, next to no workspace for putting things, no room when children are in it etc etc - and you can see how spending so much time within it is a big thing and a sign of determination!
Enough of the woe be me self pitying post - let me share the goodies!
As much as I dislike our kitchen - there is something I find incredibly satisfying about providing for my family.
The walk today may have been long and wet at times, but it was still enjoyable. We watched wild rabbits scatter this way and that in the far fields, we saw birds of prey on their hunting flights, we admired the wild flowers that had fought their way to survival on the main road verges (Poppies, beautiful Poppies!), and talked so much and so loud over the traffic noise that my throat is suffering.
Taisia picked flowers from the overgrown hedges and found berries on the floor. She splashed in puddles and offered the berries to the birds, arms outstretched as she spoke so gently. We were halted in one particular road for almost half an hour as Taisia went at her own pace - talking to the birds, watching the butterflies, playing in the puddles, seeking ants and beetles on the pavements - the road should have taken less than 3 minutes from start to finish but she was happy, very happy.
The others have stayed within the shelter of our home today. Chelsea has cleaned out the rats and the hamster, Joseph has practised his guitar and played on the X-Box, and Tiegan and Callum have played on the Wii together, read stories to each other and drawn pictures. Their evening has been spent studying flags of the world - they tested each others knowledge and we talked about various countries and their whereabouts. That learning malarkey just goes on and on, it was past 11pm when the flag book got bought out!
Tomorrow we are sorting things out in preparation for selling/charity shop/freecycle/rubbish. I managed to raise £20 on Ebay to add to our moving fund (and hopefully not the darn car fund!) - I am going to try to find time tomorrow to list some more items. Lee surprised me this evening by getting out his fishing equipment and saying he is going to sell it. Lee adores fishing and although he hasn't been able to do very much recently due to saving fuel costs, it is still something he is very passionate about. There is no way I could let him make the sacrifice of selling his beloved stuff - but it sure showed me how committed he is to get the car back on the road and move :)
Be sure to pop by again soon, I promise that there will be no more living the dream talk for a while!