It's scarily serious and we had no idea..
New developments include a very high temperature and today's little gem to throw into the mix - a heart murmur. Her BMI stands at 16 when it should be nearer 25, her weight loss has been dramatic and the cause is still unknown - frustrating.
I wish we had some answers.
I know that Chelsea is in the absolute right place, but still I want her home. The house just doesn't feel right without her and the family is incomplete.
I know that the hospital staff are doing all they can, their absolute best. But it's so difficult seeing your child look so ill and suffering, to not be able to walk even 10 yards to the bathroom and to be receiving blood transfusions and all manner of tests and routines. It's so difficult, and like any parent I so so wish I could change places with her and take it all away.
But that's not possible, so I have to do all I can to be there for her, travelling to and from the hospital (an 80 minute round trip), ensuring her needs are met and she is given all she requires. It's tough. With a 6 month old baby and a 3 year old also needing their mama, it's tough. The other three children are a little more self-reliant and less in need, but they still need to know that they too are important.
Life can get tough, it can push us and test us and force us to increase our limits and find strength in areas we never thought existed. We have to deal with it, almost embrace it, and make things work. We have to find a way of surviving. I am trying so hard to juggle so many plates and give my all to everyone - Chelsea in hospital, my husband working oh so hard, baby Amara, 3 year old Taisia, 8 year old Callum, 12 year old Tiegan and 16 year old Joseph, along with a house to run, dinner to cook, essentials such as milk to buy. My family need me, as I need them. We will get through this, dragged along, kicking and screaming, but we will get through this. The guilt can be all consuming, but we must not allow it. I am worrying that my other children are suffering, that our home-education is suffering - you know one thing that kept me beating myself up? It's Easter holidays for schools - we are allowed a break. I didn't think that after all this time (11 years!) home-educating, that thought of doubt and not doing enough "learning" would have even crossed my mind, but it has. When weakness shows, those little voices gain access.
After spending the day at hospital yesterday, I was so so tired. Mentally exhausted and physically aching. My brain whirring with medical terminology, facts, figures, tests, results, ifs, buts and maybes. I wanted to go for a walk, just a short one, but I needed fresh air and nature.
I needed to be surrounded by beauty and wonder...
I needed to be with things that make me smile...
Dear Winston goes from bucket to bucket to see which contains the nicest goodies (of course they are all the same!).
and I needed to be with things that I love....
Oh boy, I did feel better, I needed that break. I needed that feeling of normality.