This morning didn't start so well. I admit to struggling - mainly due to very little sleep again. I'm trying so hard to get a good night's rest, but each time my eyes are closed and the dark takes over, the quiet stillness can't disguise the hurt. Conversations are replayed, details fine-combed, and actions clarified - all silently in my head of course, my mind just won't switch off.
The very first verbal conversation I had today was with dear Taisia (aged 4) who really isn't grasping what has been going on. She is confused, and hurting, and this point was ever clearer as she described a dream she had experienced last night. Taisia rarely speaks of her dreams, often saying she can't remember them - even though many appear to be vivid and often distressing as she wakes crying or shouting out. Her recount of what she saw in her dream was a demonstration of her young mind trying to compute the current situation - I was so sad to listen to how it had made her feel. I know that I need to offer her more one on one time where possible to help her as we all struggle in our own way to come to terms with recent events.
Amara awoke and it was immediately clear it was going to be one of those days.
One of those nothing you do is good enough days.
One of those you will be getting it wrong no matter what you offer days.
One of those going around in circles constantly picking up mess days.
At one point I actually left her in the safe supervision of Tiegan and walked out of the house to sit beneath the lounge window. I sat on the floor and could hear the frustrated tears of a child trying to make sense of her world. I returned within minutes - obviously - that sound never ceases to pull at my heart, be it from my own child or that of a stranger. I cannot cope with the thought of an unhappy little one. But for a moment, just for a brief fleeting moment, I felt broken. Of course, now I'm sat here reflecting on things, I know that Amara is just acting out what we are all feeling. Raw. She is confused - perhaps not due to the actual event - but at the reactions of all those around her and her days must feel so different at the moment.
I was quick to give myself a firm kick up the backside and say enough. No more! I need to pull up my big girl panties and get on with things. But where to start?
With a plan of course!
After trawling the internet and failing to find a planner suiting my current needs AND my love of zingy colour, I created my own daily edition - and I love it. I can see at a glance what I need to focus on, and have even placed a little reminder regarding my lemon and honey drinks and to take on more water. I have tweaked it a little to offer it to you guys should you wish to join me with an organisation overhaul, please feel free to print it out for your personal use.
I had a lovely long phone call with a gorgeous friend of mine (I'm doing well with friends at the moment - go me! Yesterday we spent the day with another gorgeous soul that just 'gets' me). I sorted out the clean washing and put all (7!) loads away, very grateful that the weather has been so awesome to allow so many loads to have dried outside. We have managed a whole Autumn and Winter without a tumble drier which feels like an awesome achievement but not one I would like to repeat thank you very much. Will definitely be saving some pennies in preparation for buying one before the Autumn sets in this year.
I really felt my get up and go return after the therapeutic chat session (THANK YOU!), and it seemed as if the dull mood was finally lifted. We tidied the little bits that needed doing and then read a couple of chapters of our:
The stir fry dinner was a big success - it's very much a favourite meal in this house, after which I took a much needed bath. Taisia joined me, first just for a chatter whilst I relaxed in the bubbles, then climbing in so I could wash her hair. We talked and it was beautiful just to reconnect with her again. As she sat in front of me in the bath, she pretended that she was a mermaid sat within the ocean and I was her mama sat on a rock washing her long swirling hair. I stroked her hair oh so gently and she adored the one on one time and seemed to gain much from it - it was definitely was the right call. It was a time I will treasure for a long time, a much needed reconnection for both of us. Once out of the bath and dry, we painted each others nails (blue, green and yellow for me. Taisia chose orange, pink and 'sparkly' which is a clear polish with glitter pieces within). We came downstairs, combed and plaited hair, and Taz ran around the room playing various acting out games and looking fully revitalised and.... HAPPY.... again.